|I are handsome hound, I are!|
Bark! Bark! Thing from next door in garden! Growl! Not proper dog, smells of shivery time in bath. Not like.
Slump in bed under table.
Own Goddess, she got friend, called Sue – never met or smelt, but she not yuman, she hobbit, whatever that do be, and she got dog of own so she plenty good peoples, er hobbits. Hobbit dog black too, but lady dog called Ani. She sweet little dog, not old and ‘sperienced like me. She got soft fur and puppy-making eyes. But no good to a Jumleb dog. Tell you stories of Own Gods and their pup.
I were small dog, had pointy needly teeth still and not too good on difference ‘tween green carpet and grass, sicky and stuff on both – Gods cross, hit with rolled up newspaper. Said I naughty little dog – but forgived because looked like Christmas pudding with leg at each corner. And had blue eyes – till they dropped out and turned into brown doggy ones.
I big floppy ears, heard Mrs God saying funny words ’bout, ‘Don’t want puppies! Don’t want him joining endless queue of randy dogs each time bitch comes on heat! Don’t want to be sued for paternity!’
Weirdwoman words, but not got good feeling in tummy and other parts. Tried and hided under Rajah, little boy’s tiger, when big box with holes appeared; made very small indeedy.
No good. Dragged out by scruff and dropped in prison. Licked bits under tail for comfort. Feeled nice.
Taken to room in vetninar…vetinrin…dog doctor place, and plonked on slidy table…
…woked up. Sicked up. Small cage. No gods. Cried. Silly lampshade round neck. No comforty bits under tail left. Where they gone, eh? Did I chew off in night? Not happy dog. Hurting all over.
Would love to greet Ani’s arse, share wee-mails with her – but no love on horizon, whine, whine.
But! But! Me still Top Boss Man Dog! When go to place called Velvet Bottom (tee hee! Good doggy name, that!), go grass-surfing down hills and up again, chasing the teeny cheeky rabbits. They cheats. They run into house. They no fun.
But, babies and grannies and grandpas, they slow and dopy and make loud squeaky screechy noise when in mouth. Taste yum too, specially hot juicy bits in middle: ummmmmm!
Got one yesterday. Was cold and bit falling apart – ‘spect it died of fright. Mighty Jumled, Rabbit Killer! Well proud of self.
Felt good in mouth, got to tender smelly stage, looking forward to this…
Goddess was off in own world, like normal, eyes far away, mind in neutral – perfect!
Got stuck in. Crunch. Delish.
Goddess turned up. Away with the fairies. But…
She saw my rabbit. MY RABBIT! She’ll be so pleased! Me brave dog! Wag, wag!
‘Jumble! Drop it!’
Angry voice. Cross mouth. Crossed eyes.
What this? What’s her problem? Eh?
Ignore her. Bite some more.
She moving closer. She going to take rabbit! What?! Bad Goddess!
‘Bad Goddess!’ I tell her in big growl language. ‘Go away. Go catch your own! Not having mine!’
That told her!